My mind has ran circles all day, I mean seriously I should be at goal weight as much as my brain ran if it burned calories.
I go from thinking about weight loss, what to eat for next meal, what do I feed my family?, should I fold laundry, let's balance the check book (again mind you), Aidan and his next MRI, how will I take time for that, I need to figure out hospital bills, how do I feel about Darren going back to college, whys of past friendships, my brother leaving for Detroit and so on. I seriously could go on for days, this is just the tip of the iceberg.
I started this blog to ramble on a web page, sometimes just writing it out is helpful, I can't explain it. When I was told I was bi-polar I felt like it was a sentence given to me to bear. It was sad and I cried a lot trying to work through this. I have come a long way since then, but it's not easy for me all the time to put a smile on. When my mind runs like this...even someone's casual conversation with me is irritating. You are interrupting my thoughts and I am trying to control things in my head. My kids sometimes are at the wrath of this, I am trying so hard to "hear myself" that I don't want to hear anything else. It's an exhausting feeling, frustrating and exhausting.
Meds, psychiatrist and psychologist are helpful, but so is this.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Monday, June 30, 2014
Random
I meet with my psychiatrist once a month, maybe every other month on a stretch. I told her how I obsess over things until it drives me crazy and I can calm. For example she says....well my checking account for one. I will go over the monthly budget over and over, I have to add everything coming out, everything coming in and know to the dollar what I will have left. I will do this out a few months even. After I have done this several times I can calm, only after.
I can't just say, you have X remember?? It's not good enough.
She then explained that this is a coping mechanism. I mentally have to do this to cope with things, it gives me a sense of control in a world I have no control in.
She has of course given me ideas to work through things and try to move forward. Hopefully - some day - that works for me, but for now it's budget budget budget until I feel a sense of calm.
Life never slows down in my head, it's exhausting.
I can't just say, you have X remember?? It's not good enough.
She then explained that this is a coping mechanism. I mentally have to do this to cope with things, it gives me a sense of control in a world I have no control in.
She has of course given me ideas to work through things and try to move forward. Hopefully - some day - that works for me, but for now it's budget budget budget until I feel a sense of calm.
Life never slows down in my head, it's exhausting.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Ramblings of a bi-polar mind: Life after RNY
Ramblings of a bi-polar mind: Life after RNY: I had gastric bypass - RNY -surgery on March 12th. I decided not to broadcast it at the time due to quite a bit of negative feedback while...
Life after RNY
I had gastric bypass - RNY -surgery on March 12th. I decided not to broadcast it at the time due to quite a bit of negative feedback while talking about upcoming surgery. "Oh you are taking the easy way out" or "you will just get fat again" or "I know several people that have died or got super sick from that" and that's just a few of the comments I received. But you know, as for the people that have passed, or gotten sick, whose to say their weight wasn't killing them off or whose to say they weren't already sick? And if I get fat AGAIN, then that's my problem.
I am down since March 12th 80 pounds, 80 pounds now! I can hardly believe it, ok I don't believe it because I don't even see it when I look in the mirror. It's the oddest thing to me, I only see the pre-surgery weight. I find things I really don't like and focus on those areas....I hate my stomach right now, like HATE! I can't seem to find the thankfulness that I am down 80 pounds, I am currently working through this.
I focus on the fact that I am losing hair by the handful everyday! I mean ya, I knew it would thin out due to lack of absorbing from foods like normal, but handfuls?? I had to get a short hair cut to accommodate and make it look like I wasn't going bald, that's another embarrassment.
Eating, ya that doesn't happen. If I overeat I get sick, if I under eat I get the shakes bad! Food is no longer an item of enjoyment EVER!
That's the purpose of me coming out with this surgery. The comment that I hated the most "you are taking the easy way out" this is by far the HARDEST thing I have ever done. The thoughts that raced through my mind before having this done, making the decision to take the risk and have surgery - do you know how hard that was?? I have 4 kids to think about and my husband! I had to decide that I am doing them worse by NOT having the surgery.
Then having it, I had to do a 2 week pure clear liquids diet! Honestly, that was easy, I sailed through 2 weeks better than I ever thought I could. Now - fast forward to surgery - what should have been a 2 hour surgery turned into 4.5 hours, a ton of back pain upon waking and no one to keep the kids so my husband could spend more than 10 minutes with me. So spending 3 days in the hospital learning a new way to "eat", if you want to call it that, sucked! I then was released on my own back to liquids for another 2 weeks. I flew through pre-op liquids but post-op liquids was not easy at all! I was over it, but I made it through. I am not saying I didn't have issues those first 2 weeks, I had to learn how to take meds even after this surgery, take too many at a time and it will kick your ass.
Once released to soft foods and slowly all foods I struggled, bad! I would gag on most things - cottage cheese, scrambled eggs...the softest of things. I would feel like items were stuck in my chest and puke, daily. I finally had a scope and the opening to my new "pouch" (I no longer have a stomach really) was stretched. I seemed to tolerate foods a lot better after this.
Life has been so far from easy since this surgery, sure weight is melting off, but that brings on saggy skin, the hair loss and the worst, food issues. I feel like my life is now centered around food. I can't go a minute without thinking of what I could have that I may enjoy and not pay for it later, or planning meals in my head to get the proper nutrition, since I don't absorb the same.
This constant thought focus around food is what has convinced me that this is the hardest way to lose weight, hands down, it's what life depends on, but only certain foods. It's what friends and family gather around, it's work functions, taking your kids out, dinner dates with your husband. Life is focused on food - believe it or not. I can't say, oh today is a cheat day, or this is my cheat meal. I can't just do that. I can't just eat out today cause it's my BFF's bday, instead I go to a panic thinking - what if they choose a place I can't find anything on the menu, or who is going to stare when I have had 4 bites and push my plate away and don't get me going on the wait staff worried that my food wasn't prepared to my liking. You are constantly explaining yourself or in a state of panic or stress over food. I hide at home now, I hate the comments and stares, it's embarrassing.
With an already bi-polar mind, this is just a whole different post.
I just think to myself, if I ever hear - "oh you are taking the easy way out" again - I will lose it. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done!
I am down since March 12th 80 pounds, 80 pounds now! I can hardly believe it, ok I don't believe it because I don't even see it when I look in the mirror. It's the oddest thing to me, I only see the pre-surgery weight. I find things I really don't like and focus on those areas....I hate my stomach right now, like HATE! I can't seem to find the thankfulness that I am down 80 pounds, I am currently working through this.
I focus on the fact that I am losing hair by the handful everyday! I mean ya, I knew it would thin out due to lack of absorbing from foods like normal, but handfuls?? I had to get a short hair cut to accommodate and make it look like I wasn't going bald, that's another embarrassment.
Eating, ya that doesn't happen. If I overeat I get sick, if I under eat I get the shakes bad! Food is no longer an item of enjoyment EVER!
That's the purpose of me coming out with this surgery. The comment that I hated the most "you are taking the easy way out" this is by far the HARDEST thing I have ever done. The thoughts that raced through my mind before having this done, making the decision to take the risk and have surgery - do you know how hard that was?? I have 4 kids to think about and my husband! I had to decide that I am doing them worse by NOT having the surgery.
Then having it, I had to do a 2 week pure clear liquids diet! Honestly, that was easy, I sailed through 2 weeks better than I ever thought I could. Now - fast forward to surgery - what should have been a 2 hour surgery turned into 4.5 hours, a ton of back pain upon waking and no one to keep the kids so my husband could spend more than 10 minutes with me. So spending 3 days in the hospital learning a new way to "eat", if you want to call it that, sucked! I then was released on my own back to liquids for another 2 weeks. I flew through pre-op liquids but post-op liquids was not easy at all! I was over it, but I made it through. I am not saying I didn't have issues those first 2 weeks, I had to learn how to take meds even after this surgery, take too many at a time and it will kick your ass.
Once released to soft foods and slowly all foods I struggled, bad! I would gag on most things - cottage cheese, scrambled eggs...the softest of things. I would feel like items were stuck in my chest and puke, daily. I finally had a scope and the opening to my new "pouch" (I no longer have a stomach really) was stretched. I seemed to tolerate foods a lot better after this.
Life has been so far from easy since this surgery, sure weight is melting off, but that brings on saggy skin, the hair loss and the worst, food issues. I feel like my life is now centered around food. I can't go a minute without thinking of what I could have that I may enjoy and not pay for it later, or planning meals in my head to get the proper nutrition, since I don't absorb the same.
This constant thought focus around food is what has convinced me that this is the hardest way to lose weight, hands down, it's what life depends on, but only certain foods. It's what friends and family gather around, it's work functions, taking your kids out, dinner dates with your husband. Life is focused on food - believe it or not. I can't say, oh today is a cheat day, or this is my cheat meal. I can't just do that. I can't just eat out today cause it's my BFF's bday, instead I go to a panic thinking - what if they choose a place I can't find anything on the menu, or who is going to stare when I have had 4 bites and push my plate away and don't get me going on the wait staff worried that my food wasn't prepared to my liking. You are constantly explaining yourself or in a state of panic or stress over food. I hide at home now, I hate the comments and stares, it's embarrassing.
With an already bi-polar mind, this is just a whole different post.
I just think to myself, if I ever hear - "oh you are taking the easy way out" again - I will lose it. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done!
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